Ep41: Nick keeps a photo of his colon on the fridge; Evelyn ranks her vices.

We’re getting medical on episode 41 of the Reverse Jackass podcast!

Nick takes us inside his first colonoscopy experience, from pre-procedure dread to the unexpected joy of waking up peacefully drugged, pain-free, and newly in possession of a full-colour photo album of his own pristine colon. He also offers a surprisingly sincere PSA: get your colonoscopy, especially if colon cancer runs in your family. It’s less horrifying than your imagination wants it to be.

Evelyn counters with her own scope story, including the Canadian version where you’re apparently awake enough to watch your own insides on screen and think, “Wow, that’s my bum.” From there, the conversation spirals into ranking drugs of choice: colonoscopy bliss, Ativan, Pasadena, gluten-free orange polenta cake, and buttered panettone eaten over the kitchen sink like a total trash goblin.

America gives you glossy colon photos for the fridge; Canada gives you partial consciousness and no souvenir. Somehow, both countries still agree: that little hospital nap? Five stars.

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Want to get in touch with Nick & Evelyn? 

Email them at reversejackass@gmail.com

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

It is revolution.

SPEAKER_02 0:07

It's a Nick episode today. Oh, I'm ready. And I would really love if you lead us in, because apparently I have some work to do in that area.

SPEAKER_03 0:16

So I would like I would like for you to look out, Canadian Blade, because I'm putting on a fucking clinic here. Ladies and gentlemen, folks, welcome back to the reverse jackass podcast. I'm so glad you're here. I'm Nick. With me as always is Evelyn, the Canadian Blade. Evelyn, say hello to the people.

SPEAKER_02 0:30

Hi everyone. I am I am glad to be here, even if I don't sound like it.

SPEAKER_03 0:35

Evelyn has been editing herself and her inner critic is coming on strong. So she's clearly she's clearly tone policing herself here. She's there's somebody on the inside of Evelyn saying, okay, now smile a little more. Let's let's make nice for the people.

SPEAKER_02 0:47

Yep, you're prettier if you smile. Oh god.

SPEAKER_03 0:50

Oh god. Uh uh. So we're gonna work to silence. We're gonna work tacitly to silence that voice.

SPEAKER_02 0:55

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 0:55

And part of the way I'm gonna silence that voice is by silencing Evelyn's actual voice and telling a story to start off with.

SPEAKER_00 1:01

Oh, nice and smooth.

SPEAKER_03 1:03

Thank you. Oh, I'm I'm known for it. So uh I want to tell you a story about something that happened to me for the first time last year. And it was something that this is part story, part public service announcement because I was very worried about this. I had a lot of tension leading up into this moment. And it was that last year I had my first colonoscopy.

SPEAKER_02 1:21

Oh my gosh, I love this already. Okay. You love colonoscopies? Nope, didn't say that. I love this. Well, I kind of do, but I mean, anyway. You've had one.

SPEAKER_03 1:30

I've had one, yes. Okay, so okay, so for good. So we're two experts here talking to people who haven't had this, at least experts on the the client experience. But I had to have one, lest anyone think that I'm of colonoscopy age. I probably am, but I had to have it done a little early because there's a big history of colon cancer in my family. And so for all you folks out there, if you have a relative that suffered from or died of colon cancer, you really want to make sure that you attend your colon health carefully because it's preventable and it's a thing that a little bit of maintenance will go a long way. So I was persuaded to go get a colonoscopy. And, you know, they don't tell you, even people who know kind of don't tell you what it will be like. And I think it's so ripe for anal jokes that, you know, a lot of times we skip sort of the detailed part of it to make jokes about it instead of talking about what it actually will be like, right? And I think especially, you know, because it's such a necessity and because doctors are used to it all the time, they don't always have like the softest descriptions of it either. And so what I imagined was going to be that I was gonna be strapped down to a table and that somebody was gonna feed some enormous hose up my ass that was gonna be like, you know, I don't know, six inches in diameter, and that they were gonna give me enough drugs not to feel it at the time, but that I was gonna wake up feeling like a straw, and you know, that they also were gonna come back with all of this terrible news for me, and it was gonna be awful.

SPEAKER_02 2:51

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 2:52

And what actually happened was they got me to change into a gown and they put me on a bed and I sat and chatted nicely with the nice nurse for about a half hour, and then they wheeled me in, and the doctors chatted with me for a few minutes, and they said, You're gonna feel a little cold, and then you're gonna go to sleep. And I said, Okay. And the last thing I said was, Oh, there's the cold. And then I woke up. Oh, okay, cool. It's weird. You can actually feel the cold pulsing through your body. It's it's not unpleasant, it's kind of cool, it's kind of neat. And then you wake up and you're in this same hospital bed in a different room that you were in, and the nurse is attending to you. She's kind of waiting for you to wake up, and you wake up and you go, Okay, was that it? And I was expecting pain, and there was no pain. I just want to say no part of this process was painful. The most painful part of it was getting the little thing, the little port that they put into your hand. And then other than that, there was no pain. The recovery process from it was fantastic, easy, brief. We went to the grocery store afterwards, we got some food, right? The process leading up to it that everyone tells you to worry about, where you drink all the fluids and you flush your system out, inconvenient to be sure, but really not that big of a deal. You know what I mean? You drink a bunch of what feels like kind of shitty Gatorade and you go to the bathroom a whole bunch, and it's really not that big of a deal. So I want to say to everybody when you're out there worrying about this thing, don't just get your colonoscopy. It's really not as bad as you think it's gonna be. And I received two souvenirs from this experience. Oh. The first was a multiple page color photo rendition of the insides of my colon.

SPEAKER_00 4:23

This is awesome.

SPEAKER_03 4:25

And they handed it to me. Like it wasn't even like a male thing, it was unceremonious. It was like, here you go. Like the doctor came in and he handed it to me. And it is, we still have it on the fridge at home. It's it hasn't deterred me from eating, by the way, but it's dozens of photos of the inside of my colon and large intestine, right? And the good news is, I'm not trying to brag, but pretty much clean as a whistle, one small polyp that they had to remove, right? Nice, nice. But otherwise, a flawless, beautiful, glistening pink landscape. Wow. Um, along with a determination that I don't need another colonoscopy for 10 years, right?

SPEAKER_02 4:58

Yep, that's that's the that's the uh trophy. That's the trophy right there.

SPEAKER_03 5:01

The 10-year statement, you're good. You passed it. Right. And I have to resist the urge to not stand in front of the photos hanging on our fridge with my wife and acting like Harvey Kaitel and Taxi Driver. Have you seen Taxi Driver? I just keep pointing to photos of my colon on the fridge and going, like, this thing will do anything. You like it? You want this? This thing will let you in. Like, it gets it gets even too blue for this podcast. But I just pointing to my beautiful glistening colon and pointing out all of the all of the tricks it's capable of, right? Yep, yep. That was souvenir number one. Souvenir number two was that I had the most fabulous drug experience of my life.

SPEAKER_02 5:41

Oh my gosh. Amen, my friend.

SPEAKER_03 5:44

Right? Waking up from that operation for the half hour between when I woke up and when they, you know, wheeled me out the door, the experience I had feeling the effects of that drug was the most beautiful half hour of my life. I didn't feel high. I didn't feel like I was skating on clouds, I just felt what life would feel like if there was absolutely no worry whatsoever in it. It was just bliss without being exhilaration.

SPEAKER_02 6:11

Yes, that's a great way to describe it.

SPEAKER_03 6:13

Yes. And I'm a man of vices, as you know. I was a former smoker. God knows I love my snacks, plenty of other things. I like to drink, I like all kinds of stuff, but nothing in the world compares to the drug that they give you in colonoscopy. Somebody said, and I have no way of knowing if this is true, that it was the drug that killed Michael Jackson. And all I can say is Was that you?

SPEAKER_02 6:33

I said that to you. Yes. I said that to you.

SPEAKER_03 6:35

And all I can say is, like, I get it. I get it, Michael. Like, I get how if you had a billion dollars, you could devote your life to this drug. Yes. Right?

SPEAKER_02 6:44

And I said that to you because after my colonoscopy, I had I felt the same about that little nappy nap. Like it was so nice. And I said to my friend, I could go for a little of this every afternoon. And she's like, she's like, Well, that's problematic.

SPEAKER_03 7:00

Just ask Michael Jackson. Well, and I had I had an experience where the doctor said you don't have to come back for 10 years. And I said, I was thinking next week. And that was not what I was expecting to. That was I was not expecting to ask him if I could come back the following week for another colonoscopy, but I would have done it. Do you know what I mean? I would have. And I remember Nikki Six saying that he loved alcohol and he loved weed and he loved all kinds of drugs, but that when he tried heroin for the first time, he knew he'd be in love forever. That like heroin was his was his drug of choice. So my question for you, Evelyn, and we might have already answered it is what is your drug of choice?

SPEAKER_02 7:33

Oh, my drug of choice. I mean, the colonoscopy sleepy time liquid is a really hard one to beat. It's a really hard one to beat because that you're right, it's like nothing else. And those who have and and you and I had two, let's just clarify for a second here. We had two different experiences because you said you said, oh, there's the cold, and then you woke up in the next room. Uh-huh. Were you aware of anything at all during that half hour or whenever? Not a thing. So I was, but which sounds like people, yeah, worse. People do the face that you just did. But here's here's the thing is that like I was aware of what was happening. I was like, oh, I am in the hospital. I had an awareness of what was going on. Yes.

SPEAKER_03 8:21

Is this a Canadian colonoscopy where they keep you awake so you can apologize to everybody and thank them all the time? So like, oh, oops, sorry. Oh, sorry. Oh, oh, thank you. Thank you for that.

SPEAKER_02 8:29

Is that like the you need to be awake enough to have manners to the Canadian colonoscopy is actually the other word for that is Pierre Polyev, if I being off.

SPEAKER_03 8:41

No, no, you don't talk about colonoscopies that way.

SPEAKER_02 8:44

I'm sorry, you're right. Inappropriate. This is coming from the man who has stared at the inside of his colon three times a day for the last for like a year.

SPEAKER_03 8:51

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 8:52

Or every time he gets a little peckish, ooh, time to go and I'm gonna get some veggies and dip out of the fridge. And hello, you. Yeah. Um beautiful.

unknown 9:01

Beautiful.

SPEAKER_02 9:03

Um, first of all, I'm feeling a little ripped off that I did not get a full color flip book of the inside of my colon.

SPEAKER_03 9:10

Well, listen, man, you get what you pay for. In the United States, you pay a million dollars more for your healthcare and you get the color printouts. You know, you all get free healthcare when you need it, and uh frankly, your printouts show it.

SPEAKER_02 9:21

You don't get printouts and you're half awake when someone's sticking a hose up your bum. Yeah, so enjoy having enough money to buy a house, Stephen. Joke's on you. I own my house and my colon. So we're kids. We're good. So I've like I was aware of what was going on. And I know when I heard people say that before, I was like, I was equating that to like waking up during like getting your wisdom teeth extracted or something. Like that terrifying moment of like, oh my gosh, what's happening? But it was more of a like, I remember obviously you're on your side, and because I had an upper scope done at the same time, which we call the meet in the meat in the middle special. The I because we were checking, mine was not for preventative cancer.

SPEAKER_03 10:03

Because you're eating, but the food wasn't coming out of your butt.

SPEAKER_02 10:06

Where's it all going? Quality the side, yeah, absolutely. We're gonna we're gonna find these crackers somewhere. So I was I was getting checked for celiac disease. So obviously they're doing the upper scope through the mouth to check my upper intestine as well, right? My small intestine. So that I remember being uncomfortable, but I couldn't put it together as to why. Like I was so out of it that I'm like, there's almost like a gee, I don't like this, but I don't, I don't exactly know. And then things got fuzzier, and then I'm laying on my side, and I remembered like obviously there's the screen in there, like they're in there rotoring you, and then they're looking at everything everything on the screen. And I remember the thought I had, because I'm looking at this in my beautiful, blissful Michael Jackson state, looking at that screen, and I'm seeing it's like looking at pink fields, like like nooks and crannies and gnals, and like you know, and you're looking at it. And I remember literally thinking to myself, that is the inside of my bum.

SPEAKER_03 11:06

Like I have to be. And the doctor just keeps going, nice.

SPEAKER_02 11:11

I don't know. I heard people snapping like it was some kind of slam poetry night. Oh weird. And I just remembered feeling movement, but I couldn't tell what it was. So again, I was I think I was a little more aware of you, but it was still, but it was still this incredible.

SPEAKER_03 11:30

Enjoy getting rotorooted. You deserve this.

SPEAKER_02 11:32

Jokes, jokes on you. I was a little more aware of my surroundings than you were, but still still would say it's a 10 out of 10 blissful experience.

SPEAKER_03 11:40

I know I'm jealous because you, I sounds like they put me down and I missed prime drug, or I couldn't next time I'm gonna ask to be awake for it. Yeah. No, not even viewing, just to be awake with the drug, like at more waking hours with the drug because I was asleep for most of the time. It was in my system.

SPEAKER_02 11:54

Well, just ask for an upper scope too. Just be like, you know what? I'd like a little get in.

SPEAKER_03 12:00

A little the the all holes treatment.

SPEAKER_02 12:02

Like uh, let's do let's do a little, let's get gross with it.

SPEAKER_03 12:05

Like uh get in my ears too, if you want to.

SPEAKER_02 12:07

I'm you know what? I've had I've had COVID swabs, I've had things up my nose before. Get them in there. It's not it's not comfortable. Yeah. So okay, my drug of choice. I mean, I had a piece of panettone earlier today, slathered in butter that I ate over the sink. And that thing, there's nothing like that out there. Was it cop out brand panettone? Was it gluten-free panettone? Yes. So was it cop out? Yes.

SPEAKER_03 12:31

Have I ever been coping out on answering the drug question?

SPEAKER_02 12:34

Oh, oh gosh, because I do love to do that. Having edited episodes of this podcast, I can tell you that if I can skirt an answer, I will skirt the answer.

SPEAKER_03 12:44

I hadn't noticed that.

SPEAKER_02 12:45

No, but I talk my way through it until I get there instead of just taking it. That's both of us, right? Taking it. Yeah, but your process is funnier. I think mine just sounds sadder. Oh, there's the voices again. There's the inner critic.

SPEAKER_03 12:57

We should so we have the vulnerability air hard. We should have the self-criticism sound effect. What are we gonna call that?

SPEAKER_02 13:02

Um, oh, I think I think it has to be like the sound of a whip because it's like self-flagellation. That's brilliant, right?

SPEAKER_03 13:09

The self-flagellation whip. Do you think you can get a whip? I can find it. Yeah. Okay. Self-flagellation whip crack.

SPEAKER_02 13:16

Maybe I'll just use that sound bite of you saying it and then doing the sound. Help yourself. I'll also good. We'll see, yeah. Maybe I'll turn that into your ringtone too. I don't know. So, what else would I say? Okay. So something that makes me just I mean, I talk ad nauseum to anyone who will listen about the coffee shop in your city, Republic.

SPEAKER_00 13:37

Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 13:37

And that gluten-free orange polenta cake that you are probably sick of hearing about at this point. I'm never gonna be sick of hearing about that.

SPEAKER_03 13:45

Oh my god. It is the colonoscopy drug of poenta cakes.

SPEAKER_02 13:49

Polenta cakes. Gluten-free polenta cakes. Did you know? Speaking of that, I did debate asking you before we were in Palm Springs last November, before we met in Palm Springs, I debated asking you to get me a few pieces of it and to bring it with me. Why did you debate that? I don't know. I don't know. I didn't know, like, that wasn't the purpose of the visit. The purpose of the visit.

SPEAKER_03 14:08

I would have been delighted.

SPEAKER_02 14:09

I live two fucking blocks from there. I would have been delighted to do that. Okay, well, next time I'm putting if we're not in, if we're not meeting in Pasadena next time, I'm putting in an order.

SPEAKER_03 14:16

You are so stymied, heartbroken. No, you're just so nice and so generous. Just for the listeners out there, I had to give a presentation. It was my first presentation of the kind. Evelyn and her husband flew out as a kindness to support me from Canada to California to this thing. Yeah. And she's like, Well, I don't know. I didn't, I didn't want to bother you to to pick up a couple pieces of cake from a place that's two fucking blocks from your house to bring them on the drive. I would have loved to do that for you. Oh so ask for shit.

SPEAKER_02 14:44

Okay, I know. I know. I'm really bad at asking for stuff. I like really, but I'm gonna get better. I'm gonna get better.

SPEAKER_03 14:49

Well now we have listeners, now we have listeners that are gonna hold you hold you to task. So if you hear Evelyn not asking for something, please reach out at Canadianblade6969 at gmail.com and let her know that she needs to get her shit together.

SPEAKER_02 15:02

Yes, let me know. And if you think Nick should have asked for a colonoscopy the week after, you can email us at reversejackass at gmail.com. Like I did. He said no. Oh, fair. Okay, that is fair. You did ask, you did put yourself out there. And you know what?

SPEAKER_03 15:15

I don't think you'd be the first one to ask for that. No. By the way, now I'm doctor shopping, just so you know, I'm I'm hitting all the the colonographers in in uh in California. Just no, I don't know what they're calling. Colonographers? Like, are they are you it sounds like I don't give a fuck what they're called? What's your drug dealer's middle name? I don't give a shit. The boy is do they have do they have their medical license? Do they have the hose? Yeah, and do they have access to my favorite thing? Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 15:40

Um have access, I was gonna say access to your colon. They have access to my favorite, my favorite you said my favorite thing, and I was like, my favorite removal system. We're thinking we're thinking of two different things here. Yeah, as long as you I guess, okay. So another thing you can email us about at reversejackass at gmail.com is if you are somewhat medically certified, if you have a lubed up hose and a plane ticket to Pasadena, then I can get you in contact with Nick. Happy to do that.

SPEAKER_03 16:09

Happy to bring the hose is optional, but bring the good stuff. Okay, so Evelyn. Yep, okay. But what's your drug of choice? And I it can be food if it's food, but I don't believe you that gluten-free panettone was the thing that you said.

SPEAKER_02 16:24

Ah, yes, this is my destiny. Okay, I have two answers. I have two. Okay. Most recently, I have discovered that I really do enjoy, and this is gonna sound like I'm kissing your ass, but I'm not. I enjoy flying to I really enjoy getting on a plane and flying to Pasadena, or flying to LA and getting to Pasadena. Like Pasadena has scratched an itch for me. I didn't know I had.

SPEAKER_03 16:48

Well, there you go, folks. That's it for the reverse podcast. Thank you very much.

SPEAKER_02 16:53

So that has been like that's a high. Right? It's dope. I love hanging out with you and your wife. Like, I love the time with the four of us. Like, that's a real rush. And we've done it three times. So if if we would have figured out, we would have hated each other by now. So this is so we don't, as far as seems like it works. Seems like it works. And so it's a it's that's a real nice hit. Like, if we need to get away, and it's not the it's not necessarily California, but the California piece is a bonus, right? Your weather's beautiful, there's so many nice things about your state, like it's really nice. Pasadena, the city itself is so lovely. It's just it's just a win every single time. So that was that's maybe my drug of choice, my most recent drug of choice, and that's an expensive drug. Like, this is not a drug that I'm just gonna buy on the street, right? Like that's that's really something that you know it's a bit more of an investment. The other drug that I would have to say is the moment I discovered Atavan. And and just a disclaimer, I have not had Atavan in probably a couple years. Easy in pill form.

SPEAKER_03 17:54

Has she crushed it up and snorted it? Absolutely. But willing to do it. Has she taken it with a glass of water? Not in years.

SPEAKER_02 17:59

Did I put it in my colonoscopy prep juice the day before? No, I didn't. But like I remember when I was having panic attacks, like when I just started having really bad ones, especially after my mom died. I remember being like, I don't know what to do, but like I don't know how to calm down. Like I was tapping into everything I had ever learned, every regulating technique. We're trying box breathing, we're trying like all sorts of everything. And there was one panic attack where I I had to leave a concert I was in the middle of. I almost puked in the parking lot and I could not come down. Like it was, it was one of the worst panic attacks I think I've ever had because I remember thinking, I feel like I want to jump out of my skin right now, and I can't go anywhere to get away from myself. Like it was one of those, and you're spinny, and you're and then like the next few days after you're exhausted, right? So I talked to my doctor about this, and I was like, hello. So what does this mean?

SPEAKER_03 18:51

And so we talked about-I don't know, man, classical music is just like that.

SPEAKER_02 18:56

I have that response too. And so I talked to my doctor, she suggested this. I was very hesitant because again, I didn't know what to do. And I and as far as taking any kind of substance goes, I am very vanilla. I have literally, I have never smoked, I've never used marijuana, I have never I've drank, that's about it. So I was really hesitant because this to me was like, I don't know what this is gonna do. And I and I remember, I remember taking it, and all of a sudden, everything got okay. Like I say 10 minutes, not even 10 minutes, and I was like, all of a sudden, I'm just chill. And the panic, the panic went away. I was like, what is this? And so that was that was my foray into drug addiction. No, I'm kidding. Yeah, right. But I can see like you can't. But that's how people get addicted to it, right? Absolutely.

SPEAKER_03 19:45

It really helps. It's hard for some people to feel like it.

SPEAKER_02 19:48

Yeah. I can see why, because actually, like it was such a relief that I didn't have to be the one to spearhead fighting my way through the panic. So, like what it really felt like a gift, especially as someone who had fought really hard to do things on their own, to do things without any kind of pharmaceutical assistance. So it really felt like a reward in a way. Like, I don't have to put myself through this. So I will say, again, not having used it in a couple years, but if I found myself back in that zone, or if I found myself in a season of really struggling to regulate, or really just a season of panic, I would not hesitate now to put that into my circle of care.

SPEAKER_01 20:26

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 20:27

Again. And I, you know, do I always have it on me? Yep. Like you just never know, right? That's the thing about panic, is it's sometimes just kind of it's the thing about classical music. Wind up at a concert. I never know when I'm gonna be at a harpsichord recital. So I would say, you know what? If I had to okay, I'm gonna rank them. I'm gonna rank them here. Number one drug of choice, I'm with you on the colonoscopy drug. Like that is man. And I've never had surgery, so I don't even know if that's what surgery, like with general anesthetic, is like. I don't know. I don't know, but I'm willing to try it. Yeah, you guys want to take out like what who needs an organ? I got some, right?

SPEAKER_03 20:59

Yeah, absolutely. Root around in there. I gotta scope in any kind and see what you find.

SPEAKER_02 21:04

I'm like the food bank of organs. Just take it. Take yourself, it'll be helpful. Yeah, so okay, so I'd say the colonoscopy drug for sure. And I like that we call we call it the colonoscopy drug because we don't actually know what it's called. And I don't want to know what it's called. Sure, frankly. Because then you can ask people for it. Yeah, but if I just say the colonoscopy drug, that's me keeping myself in check. I can't ask someone on the street for a colonoscopy drug.

SPEAKER_03 21:27

Well, 100% you can, but you know what they say about rules for addicts, right? Like that when an addict makes a list of rules, it's just a to-do list. Oh, nice.

SPEAKER_02 21:38

That's good. That's really good.

SPEAKER_03 21:40

Yeah, so just so you know, yeah, absolutely.

SPEAKER_02 21:42

Okay, so my to do list is acquire some colonoscopy drugs. Yeah. Uh the second I would say would have to be Atavan, nice drug of choice. Well, no, uh t you're tied, you like the the traveling to California is tied with the Atavan. Both have, you know, been provide provided a high sense of Dopamine. There's like just some real nice good feelings in both of those things. And I would say third. Third would be a tie with the gluten-free polenta cake and the gluten-free panatone I had earlier. Drugs of case.

SPEAKER_03 22:14

Also, folks, there you have it. That is a comprehensive list of our drugs of choice, ranging from the dangerous and probably illegal all the way down to the affordable and delicious orange polenta cake at Republic in Pasadena, California, which has not paid us any amount of money to endorse their products. They just earned it based on their own merits. I think that's it. We should call it. That was a perfect episode, and people are probably ready to get high. So we're gonna release you to your own vices. Thank you for joining us on the Reverse to Jackass podcast this week. I am Nick. This is Evelyn, the Canadian Blade. We love you and we hope you keep showing up to listen to us.

SPEAKER_02 22:48

Yes, please, because we put a lot of effort into this and I spend hours editing them. And if you don't, what's it all for?

SPEAKER_03 22:54

Whipcrack.

SPEAKER_02 22:56

Some neighbors are besties.

SPEAKER_03 22:58

Others quarrel bitterly. Stuck together through geography. One of us has nukes, and the other has tokes.

SPEAKER_00 23:08

It's American Canadian diplomacy. It's reverse.