Ep31: Nick out-narcs the defense lawyer; Evelyn breaks down snow day politics.

Nick learns the hard way that you should never say “Where’s a cop when you need one?” out loud, because the universe will take it as a legally binding request. A pair of cars are street racing, a head-on crash happens, and Nick becomes an accidental teen narc. Months later he's still dealing with court continuances, missed school, and a defense lawyer who tries to gaslight him in the waiting room.

Evelyn follows with a passionate explanation of snow days: the pure dopamine of “no kids are coming” (especially when you haven’t left the house yet), the thrill of checking the predictor site, and the sacred rite of texting every teacher friend like it’s Christmas morning. But the wish turns rotten when it’s a Friday PD day snow day, aka “Congrats, you got the day off… except you didn’t, and you also lost your prep, and now your life is ministry-mandated PowerPoints, three cheers for literacy..."

Before you go: we want your best accent attempts. Record a quick voice memo doing your best Canadian accent (if you’re American) or American accent (if you’re Canadian). One sentence with as much chaos as you can cram in there.

If you need a prompt, say: “I failed 13th grade and it was a real slap in the bum for my mom.”  Email it to reversejackass@gmail.com and we'll play it on a future episode.

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Want to get in touch with Nick & Evelyn? 

Email them at reversejackass@gmail.com

Transcript

SPEAKER_04 0:00

It's revolution.

SPEAKER_02 0:07

I'm I'm not a good person.

SPEAKER_00 0:13

Well, that's where I want us to start here. Let's do this. You ready? Yeah, you're going to be able to do that. I want that I want the recording to start with. I'm not a good person. Okay. I promise. Yep. Folks, welcome back to the reverse jackass podcast. It's so great to have you here. I'm Nick. With me as always is Evelyn, the Canadian Blade. Evelyn, say hello to people.

SPEAKER_02 0:30

It is so great to be here, really. We love we love having conversations at you.

SPEAKER_00 0:38

Yes, yes. So soak it all in. And I I uh I want to say to Super Fan Wanis, who reached out to us from Nebraska and said, it feels like he is having a conversation with me where I'm not hearing him talk. I just want to say I do hear you speaking and I am ignoring you. And I love you.

SPEAKER_02 0:59

Um that is that is, in fact, the Nick Bagner experience.

SPEAKER_00 1:06

That's it. They're gonna print that on my tombstone. Yes, yes, so that people can piss on it. Uh, Evelyn, the theme for today, today's story is wishes. Oh, okay. Some people call them wishes, some people call them prayers, some people call them desires. Like they take a different form for each of us, but I feel like whether or not we realize it, we're all out there all day, every day, just persistently wishing and hoping, putting stuff out into the universe for it to happen. And I think that we don't ascribe any power to that because oftentimes most of the things that we want don't happen. And that's maybe a good thing. If all the things we wanted happened, life would be weird and we'd be in far too much control of our circumstances.

SPEAKER_02 1:46

But whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What you're saying goes against an Instagram post I saw this morning that told that told me everything I want will happen.

SPEAKER_00 1:57

You saw an Instagram post that told you everything you want will happen.

SPEAKER_02 2:00

I don't know who to believe here. Like, do I believe Nick Bogner, friend of mine, LMFT, conscious professional, or do I believe good vibes of the heart?

SPEAKER_00 2:12

Underscore 69. Here's what I've learned about Instagram is that in terms of clinical information, I don't trust Instagram at all, and I tell clients not to trust it, and I I get paid good money to debunk stuff that people have read off of Instagram. Uh, in terms of prognostication, um, I think it's dead on all the time. So if uh if if it told you that you were gonna get everything you wanted, then I would absolutely believe that. It's probably only a matter of time.

SPEAKER_02 2:41

I get good money to create content like that.

SPEAKER_00 2:44

So create prognostication, yes. Okay, so can you please prognosticate a little uh a little relief in this country? Because everybody here's uh feeling a little fucked up.

SPEAKER_02 2:55

I guess I could try. You want a meme, or do you want like do you want a lip sync?

SPEAKER_00 3:00

I don't give a fuck how you execute it. That's for you. I'm not here to tell you how to do your job.

SPEAKER_02 3:05

Yeah, okay. So sorry.

SPEAKER_00 3:07

We do not get everything we want. Got it. So this is gonna take us back. This wish story is gonna take us back to the 90s. Towards the end of my high school career in in suburban Richmond, Virginia. Um, swampy, fun place, plenty of parking, the place where I grew up. Super relevant. Then you live in Pasadena where there's not plenty of parking, and you go, damn, you know, I always could find a place to park. And you know, every mall and strip mall had a place to park. You do you do grow to miss it.

SPEAKER_03 3:35

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 3:35

Um, so it's senior year of high school or junior year, I don't know, whenever you apply to colleges, and my uh high school best friend got admitted to the school of his choice, which was Virginia Tech, and he was excited, and I was excited for him. And I said, we got to go out and celebrate. So we did what any red-blooded uh 17-year-old, 18-year-old kids in suburban Richmond, Virginia do, which was we got into my purple Ford Taurus and we headed to TJI Fridays, right?

SPEAKER_02 4:03

Okay, hold up. First of all, you drove a Ford Taurus in high school? Purple Ford Taurus, yes. I drove a silver forward Taurus in high school.

SPEAKER_00 4:13

Wow, okay. Yeah, yeah. It was a great car. I gotta say, it was a great car. We called mine Purple Taurus Rex.

SPEAKER_02 4:20

Oh my gosh, that's so so lovely. That's so great. I love it.

SPEAKER_00 4:24

It was a great car. When it died, it died all the way. Every Ford we ever had died like a dramatic, sudden death. But up until the moment it died, it was stalwart. So anyway, so we're in my purple Taurus Rex, driving down Robius Road in suburban Chesterfield County, Virginia, um, on our way to TGI Fridays to celebrate like the like the kings that we were. And Robius Road is a two-lane road, one lane in each direction with a double yellow line in the middle of it. And as we're driving, I had gotten a speeding ticket, so I was driving very conservatively at exactly 45 miles an hour, which was the speed limit for that. And who should bounce around me at maybe a hundred miles an hour? But some small Honda, Wade Honda Civic, which was the dirtbag vehicle de choix of uh my high school years. Okay, and this car came blasting around my left side, right? Like just just like a rocket ship, just bam, right? Passed you on a double yellow. Passed me on a double yellow on the left side. Yeah, like super, super dangerous. Okay. And I said out loud, where's a cop when you need one?

SPEAKER_02 5:29

Oh, yep. That's a if there's one phrase that unifies humanity, that might be.

SPEAKER_00 5:35

Where's a cop when you need one, right? Yep. Well, so what the universe provided me was not a cop, oh, but a second car with whom the first car was racing that passed me again on the left at probably 100 miles an hour zooming around.

SPEAKER_03 5:50

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 5:51

Well, the reason those double yellow lines exist is to keep cars from passing into the opposite lane where traffic can be oncoming. And traffic was indeed oncoming. And the first car managed to avoid it, but the second car whose view was obstructed by the first car did not, and they ended up running head-on into a car coming into the opposite direction. Whoa. Okay. And spoiler alert, nobody died, I'm happy to say. But the teenage occupants of the car that was speeding, one of them actually flew through the passenger side window onto the ground.

SPEAKER_04 6:25

Whoa.

SPEAKER_00 6:25

Um, one of them hit his head. The guy who this is really sort of a bummer, the guy who uh was driving the opposite direction who was hit was a mechanic who had been working late and was on his way home. Oh, stone sober, and he was, as you may imagine, non-plussed. Yeah. And so we pull our car over immediately, and the following begins to happen. A few of us go over, a couple cars pull over, a few of us go over to these kids who are in this shattered car, one of them laying on the ground, bleeding and looking disoriented. A couple of people go over to the other guy's car to help him. We're all sussing out the situation. The mechanic, who is the victim in this, gets out of his car and says, What the fuck were you doing? What the fuck is the matter with you? Starts yelling, starts confronting the driver who has gotten out of his car and is kind of in shock. Several of us managed to get in between them, and I reasoned with the mechanic that, like, there's no sense putting himself at fault in this, that like it should get sorted out by the police. Like, I know he's mad, just take a deep breath. Like, you don't want to get an assault charge, right? Yes, which is shockingly worldly for me at 17. Because let me tell you, I had not seen or done any fucking thing at this stage in my life, aside from getting that one speeding ticket. Yeah, yeah. But then the original first car that didn't get hit had also pulled over because their friends got in an accident, and they did what any good friends would do, which is that they went to the vehicle that was in the accident and they removed all of the beer cases and the empties from it and started throwing them into somebody's yard.

SPEAKER_02 7:51

Okay, okay, okay.

SPEAKER_00 7:54

And so then the police did show up.

SPEAKER_03 7:55

Yes, right?

SPEAKER_00 7:56

Okay, and the police were not aware of the whole thing. They didn't, they weren't aware of the first car, except that I wrote down their license number because I said to my friend, hey man, I don't think they're supposed, I don't think you're supposed to leave the scene of an accident, right? And he was like, I don't know. And I was like, Oh, well, let me just write down this this license number. So I wrote down the license number. Yeah, and when the police got there, I was able to fill in some of the blanks for them, which was that there were like many, many beer cans in this car and empty beer cases, and their other friends whose license number was this, pulled over and pulled all of the empties out of their car and then beat it, right?

SPEAKER_02 8:29

Yes. So the police was this the your foray into immaculate form completion as an RA?

SPEAKER_00 8:37

Oh, yeah, absolutely. This is when I knew that narking was gonna be my fucking calling.

SPEAKER_02 8:41

Yeah, I really think you missed the mark here, like the narc mark here.

SPEAKER_00 8:47

My question for all Canadians and specifically Matt Allen, but all Canadians, is did you realize that Americans were such inveterate tattletales? It's in our blood.

SPEAKER_02 8:57

Yeah, yeah. I didn't. This has been a real area of learning for me. A real and I've enjoyed learning this. I've really enjoyed learning this. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 9:05

Good. And hopefully it's a let it be a warning to you. Because if you step outside the lines, yeah, whether on US or Canadian soil, I'm gonna drop the dime on you. And I need you to know that, right? Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 9:17

So yeah, he's not joking around people. He's not joking around.

SPEAKER_00 9:21

The police come, the paramedics come, they come help everybody. And the sum total of what happened is that the mechanic's car is destroyed, but he's okay, thank God. The kid who flew through the window has a concussion of some kind, but he looks like he's gonna be okay. The driver was unharmed, as is just always the case in drunk driving accidents. It seems like the drunk person always is okay and everybody else is wrecked.

SPEAKER_03 9:42

Yep.

SPEAKER_00 9:43

And then the trial starts. And we're called in to be witnesses in this trial, right?

SPEAKER_03 9:48

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 9:49

So this ends up being an interesting ride, right? Which is that we have to go to court. Uh, my friend and I have to take off school to go testify. And the first thing that happens is that they get continuances, which is a way of saying to the court, we can't make this court date or we don't have enough time to do this thing. Can we please get the date of court pushed back? But you have to show up to court to get the thing. So we were showing up to court only to have this kid's lawyer push it back a couple of months, so we'd have to miss another day of school to go there, which I was stoked about, by the way, because I hated school. Yeah. Uh, my friend was less stoked than I was, right? And the prosecutor said they are doing this to stall because the hope is that you won't keep showing up at court if you do this thing. And you don't know Nick Bogner. No kidding. And I remember sitting with my friend and him saying, I'm not gonna miss another day of school for this, and me going, I'm gonna miss every day of school that I have to for this at this point. That's crazy. Because I'm a narc, baby.

SPEAKER_02 10:40

Yeah. Is this your way of telling us that you have yet another court date next week for these guys? And you're not giving, you're gonna take this to the grave and never give it up.

SPEAKER_00 10:49

Yeah, so and yeah, so the point is we're all in our in our 40s at this point. Uh there, they've worked through several lawyers and judges. No, no, no. This uh the story has a resolution.

SPEAKER_01 10:57

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 10:57

So uh so we go and finally we get to a place where there's no more continuances. Okay, and we finally get to the day of court, and we're all sitting in the waiting room of court. And this is my first time meeting the defense lawyer for the kid who flew through or the kid who was driving the car. And she comes up to me, and I don't, if we have any attorneys listening, I'd love to know if this is professional or even legal, but this is what happened. She came down and she sat across from me and she said, Hey, I'm so-and-so, I'm the attorney for blah, blah, blah. And I said, Hey, nice to meet you. And she goes, So I wanted to to check in with you and and see what did you see on the night of the accident? Now we're months into this process. And I said, Well, so the uh I was driving and the first car pulled around me at like 100 miles an hour, and then the second car pulled around me at 100 miles an hour, and the second car bumped, hit a guy head first, and then we all pulled over, and those guys pulled alcohol containers out of the thing. And she looked at me like I was a piece of gum on the bottom of her shoe and goes, Yeah, but what did you really see?

SPEAKER_02 11:55

Really?

SPEAKER_00 11:56

Yes, she's just casual conversation. She just said this to you. It was like the most like go, it was like the most like gaslighting shit ever. It was like so, but there are many things to which I'm vulnerable. That is not one of them. And I raised my voice and I said loudly so that everyone did think it here, I told you exactly what I saw. And she got embarrassed and she backed off. And she, okay, okay, thank you very much. Thank you. And she walked away. So then we have the trial. The trial lasts a few hours. There are three witnesses. There are me and my friend, and there is a third woman who happened to be present at the accident. Except she is so mentally ill that she starts saying stuff that doesn't make any sense. And it's like like alien conspiracy stuff. Like, I and I don't know, I don't remember us being, I mean, maybe this is standard. I don't remember us being deposed. I don't remember there being any like prep for this. It was just like show up and tell your story. Yeah. And so clearly nobody was prepared for this woman. And it was like, you could just feel everybody in the courtroom being like, okay, like this isn't, this isn't probably super helpful. So they get her off the stand and they get me and my friend up, and we testify to this whole thing. And at the end of it, the judge says, I'm swayed by Mr. Bogner and Mr. Porter's testimony, less so by Ms. Soic. And he sentences the kid to some kind of, I don't know, sometime in juvie or some community. I don't remember what the fuck it was. He got his sentence. And as we're leaving the courtroom, the defendant steps on the back of my fucking shoe, like just a last little fuck you, just steps on the back of my shoe. And that is the end of that story.

SPEAKER_02 13:27

So and okay, but he's okay, but but now he has something on his record.

SPEAKER_00 13:33

Yeah, who knows what's happened to this kid. Who knows? I wish I could remember his name because I would look it up. But I remember sort of knowing who these kids were, and I don't want to be overly speculative, but I maybe knew that maybe this was not gonna be their first offense. Do you know what I'm saying? So anyway, so I take all this back to when I thought, or actually said out loud, where's a cop where you need one? Okay. And then a cop showed up. But for a cop to show up, there had to be a big tragic accident. And also, like, there was not gonna be a world where there's a big tragic accident and a cop didn't show up. So I feel like that was a wasted wish. I feel like the universe granted my wish. The universe said, You want a cop, you got one, and then they caused a huge head-on collision, and then a cop showed up, and then I got embroiled in a legal case for a couple of months.

SPEAKER_01 14:17

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 14:17

Um, yep. And that's how that happened. So my question for you, Evelyn, is gosh, okay. What was a a wish that was granted for you that was a wasted wish?

SPEAKER_02 14:28

Oh, okay, that's really good. What was a wish that I had that was a wasted wish? Something most teachers in Canada wish for during the months of November to February are snow days.

SPEAKER_00 14:45

Okay. It feels like if you're gonna get a snow day, Canada's a good place to get it.

SPEAKER_02 14:49

Yeah, yeah. Like we're no stranger to bad weather days. Like it's you know, the roads are bad or there's a storm incoming, uh, buses are canceled. And depending on your school, if buses are canceled, if you're a school that's totally bust students, you don't have anybody. But usually you still have to go in.

SPEAKER_00 15:06

Did you mean if your school is totally busted, like if your students are busted? Just these busted ass, like worthless B-U-S-S-E-D. Oh, oh god, okay. Like this busted ass student body. Oh, elect a president. See what he does for you. See what your student body president changes about your busted asses.

SPEAKER_02 15:26

The answer is nothing. The answer is nothing. So that's something that uh there's even a website. You can check it out, snowdaypredictor.com. Um, and if you put your postal code in, then uh it'll tell you the likelihood of a snow day the next day.

SPEAKER_00 15:41

Okay.

SPEAKER_02 15:41

Um, are you going there right now?

SPEAKER_00 15:43

I should go there right now. I'm gonna go okay. Keep telling I'm gonna I'm gonna sort of pay attention to you while I do this website you told me about. Okay.

SPEAKER_02 15:49

Oh, okay. So Juan is this is what it's like. You're having a conversation where Nick's not really listening to you, so it's totally fine. Yeah. And there's probably a very low, while Nick is checking here, there's probably a very low chance of a snow day tomorrow, especially in Pasadena, but also probably here.

SPEAKER_00 16:05

I'm getting a zero percent here in my postal code.

SPEAKER_02 16:08

What postal code did you put in?

SPEAKER_00 16:10

Pasadena.

SPEAKER_02 16:11

No, you don't have a postal code, you have a zip code.

SPEAKER_00 16:14

Yeah, and you can you can put your zip code in on what's and search your city zip code, and then people are gonna love hearing this. By the way, this is world-class podcasting we're doing here. Pasadena snow day prediction for Pacity California, Thursday morning, zero percent.

SPEAKER_02 16:29

Okay, so let me check. I'm just gonna go.

SPEAKER_00 16:31

What's your hilarious okay? What's your hilarious mishmash of consonants and nothing? Oh, you know what?

SPEAKER_02 16:36

I will say something we do really need to talk about the postal code. Uh, because I can't think of something worse to type in anywhere.

SPEAKER_00 16:44

10% for you, by the way, tomorrow.

SPEAKER_02 16:46

How do you know you have my postal code?

SPEAKER_00 16:48

Because I typed in London, Ontario.

SPEAKER_02 16:50

Oh, I was like, what?

SPEAKER_00 16:52

Only no, I'm not I'm not memorizing your fucking postal code.

SPEAKER_02 16:55

I was like, that's crazy. That's a I mean, well, I know your zip code, but your zip code's easier to remember. Okay, what is it? 10% if you have a funny zip code. Yeah, that's pretty good. 10%. Okay, so it's happening. So everyone, uh, school's definitely happening. Snow days. Every teacher wants them. Even if you say you don't, I don't believe you. You're a liar. So we were wishing for snow days. And the feeling I want people to understand that the feeling that you get, you wake up early, especially as a music teacher. You're waking up early because you have rehearsals, like it's happening. You're up at five in the morning, right? I know, I know. Just just just throw me off a cliff now because it is the worst. It is it is pathological. You are right. That's probably the reason I'm so unwell, is because I had I had to sing with a choir twice weekly early in the morning. So it was terrible. But I think the snow day system is much more streamlined now. Like back at, you know, back when I was still teaching, it was a terrible, terrible way of finding out. Like the school board would email, but they wouldn't email till long after I was already at school. So that's great. I'm already there. This happens like this is a music teacher common experience, right? You have to go in for rehearsal. Um, you're already at school for 45 minutes, and then, oh, sorry, what? No kids are coming. Awesome. And you have to be in for the day anyway, but you could have at least like you could have maybe grabbed a coffee first if it was on your way, or like you wouldn't have to rush in. And chances are you're one of three teachers who are in the building at that time of day, right?

SPEAKER_00 18:23

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 18:23

So talking about busted. Oh, yeah. Brig, busted education system. So when you get a snow day and you haven't left the house yet, feels like you've won the lottery. Like there, there comes a time, like today. I'm looking outside. Yeah, I mean, like, it's still winter. It's not, it's snowing lightly. There really is. It says a 10% chance. I think it's even lower than that. We're probably even on par with Pasadena here for the only thing in our in our existence. But there are days when you're like, oh, it could go either way. It really could go either way, and you're wrapping up the end of your day, knowing that tomorrow you might not come in. And you're almost too excited to sleep because you're, but you don't want to get too excited and you don't want to talk about it too much out loud because you're gonna jinx everything, right? You're gonna be like, oh, if I say it, it's like if I say, Oh, I love that our fridge is never broken, and then all of a sudden, guess what just happened? I'm willing to bet down in my kitchen right now. My fridge probably just blew up.

SPEAKER_00 19:18

Evelyn, Evelyn, there's no way your fridge is broken. Your fridge is indestructible and it's gonna run perfectly and smoothly forever.

SPEAKER_02 19:25

Thank you.

SPEAKER_00 19:25

You're welcome.

SPEAKER_02 19:26

Thank you. I that's put it on Instagram.

SPEAKER_00 19:28

It's as good as true.

SPEAKER_02 19:30

I will get everything I want, including an immortal fridge. And so when you wake up that morning and you learn that it's a snow day, you're like, my wishes have come true. It feels like you're kicking your toes in bed. You're just so happy. You're still up, maybe at the same time as you would for a normal school day, because you have to get up to find out. There's no guarantees. But you get up and then you're almost too excited. Like I spend that whole first or second hour that I'm awake texting my teacher friends with glee. It's like Christmas morning. Like you're just so, oh, and then you're in your sweatpants all day and you're having coffee, and then three o'clock in the afternoon hits, and you're like, Well, day's over. Gotta go back in. This is when this happens on a Friday. This is where I'm going.

SPEAKER_00 20:10

Yeah, yes.

SPEAKER_02 20:11

And or a Monday, Friday or Monday. We'll take it.

SPEAKER_00 20:14

I just can't sorry, can I pause here? I wish you would. Can we talk about how easy and pathetic adults are to please? Like, look at how excited you just got for wearing sweatpants. When I was a kid, you had to buy me a video game console to get that level of excitement out of me. Like, it cost money to get me excited as a kid. And you're like, here I am, I'm awake at 5:30, I'm wearing sweatpants. Like, if if 10-year-old me heard you talking about that being the idea of a happy adult life, he would have spent the rest of his life searching for a pistol to end things up.

SPEAKER_02 20:48

Well, it's probably secreted away in a chip bag.

SPEAKER_00 20:50

Oh, it's Richmond. It's Richmond. There's not, they're not secreted anywhere. You can just find them.

SPEAKER_02 20:54

Yeah, okay.

SPEAKER_00 20:55

Fair fair enough. So anyway, sorry. No, you're right.

SPEAKER_02 20:58

And you know what? You can tell eight-year-old Nick Bogner that I am also currently wearing sweatpants.

SPEAKER_00 21:03

And I'm loving it.

SPEAKER_02 21:04

Out of choice. I am living my best life. Oh, like there's what I'm gonna tell him.

SPEAKER_00 21:09

I'm gonna tell him this I'm gonna tell 10-year-old Nick. Do you remember uh, you know that show Simon and Simon that you love so much that you have to wait for summer to watch because it comes in at noon on the UHF station? Yeah, and then you hope you get to see it and you just love it so much. You can watch all those episodes online for free when you're 46. You're just gonna be able to get on and you can watch 10 of them in a row if you want to. And you can afford all the cans of hormel chili that you would like to enjoy with it. That is what that kid wants to hear.

SPEAKER_02 21:36

And he you're gonna say, and you're gonna be friends with a Canadian. He's gonna be like, with a who?

SPEAKER_00 21:42

With a what? Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 21:43

With a what? What's that? What's Canadian?

SPEAKER_00 21:45

Well, my friend, that's the 51st state.

SPEAKER_02 21:47

Oh, he's gonna do some deep, you're gonna do some deep breathing here.

SPEAKER_00 21:56

Canada's like what? The the is it like the second largest country? In the world by size.

SPEAKER_02 22:01

Yes, it is.

SPEAKER_00 22:02

That we'll make one state out of it. Like, yeah, why not? Like even Canada doesn't have Canada as one state. Even Canada has 11 provinces, but we're just like, fuck it.

SPEAKER_02 22:11

It'll just be like uh, you know, Vermont or any of the other yeah, it'll just be that big dangler at the top of the top of our entire country. Yeah, right. Yeah, I know. You know what then? Like, go for what else? Well, I mean, Russia's bigger than us. Why aren't you why aren't we shooting for the moon here?

SPEAKER_00 22:27

Oh God. I think there's I think there's an answer for that. Anyway, I'm sorry, I keep getting in your way.

SPEAKER_02 22:32

So I've never seen your face look so scrunchy as it had right there.

unknown 22:36

It's good.

SPEAKER_00 22:37

Every day it gets a little scrunchier, so don't worry.

SPEAKER_02 22:39

That's the beauty of aging. Okay, so snow days on a Friday. This is where I'm going with this. Yes, is that it's a real delicate balance, right? You gotta be really careful, you gotta tread lightly because what also happens on Fridays are PA days or PD days, right? Day when there's like the kids aren't coming to school professional development. So the teachers or PA professional activity. I think they're called PD days now. It doesn't matter, who cares? Kids don't go to school, teachers do, we're in meetings all day, right? And they used to be when I was teaching, those used to be actually really enjoyable because I feel like you actually did something productive. You would work with colleagues, you would work within your departments, and you would actually get some work done. Now it's just all ministry-mandated stuff, and it is absolutely painful. And they kind of flip-flop every year between what's the theme for this year? Ooh, guess what? It's literacy. Great. Or next year, what's the big theme? Numeracy. No, it's never this.

SPEAKER_04 23:33

Never.

SPEAKER_02 23:35

We don't want you being no, no, I would everyone would show up for every staff meeting if the theme was prevention.

SPEAKER_00 23:42

Yeah, absolutely.

SPEAKER_02 23:43

You know what?

SPEAKER_00 23:44

Public intoxication.

SPEAKER_02 23:45

I would still be a teacher if this was the kind of stuff we were talking about, right? Yeah. So you'd show up for these meetings they used because then you could you got to wear comfier clothes, right? Some teachers it didn't matter because they were just wearing that all week. But usually you'd wear like your comfiest hoodie and like your like a nice broken in pair of jeans, some comfy, comfy shoes. You're grabbing a coffee. Maybe you're grabbing a few coffees for friends on your way to this PD day.

SPEAKER_00 24:09

It sounds like a fashion show for for people who have surrendered.

SPEAKER_02 24:17

Um there's nothing fashionable about it, is what I'm here to tell you, but that's the whole point. You're just showing up as you really are at these. Like you're you're just thankful that you're not in performance mode, is basically what it is. So you're showing up with coffees. Maybe there's like, you know, some like a nice little light breakfast in terms of muffins or some Danishes, and like there's a big, like a big thing of coffee if you didn't bring your own. Like it's and then starts with some just some social time. So you're seeing people that you're in the same building, but you haven't, you know, you haven't connected with in a long time. These days used to be really great. They are not now, is what uh word on the street has it as. So a snow day on a Friday that happens to be a PD day is a wasted wish for a snow day.

SPEAKER_04 25:00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 25:01

Total, total waste. Because you get you used to be able to get some schoolwork done, you could do some marking, you could prep, get ahead for the next week. None of that now. All your prep happens on your own time, is how this works. Boo earns. So it's really hard when it's a Thursday night between the months of November and February, and you're like, oh, the weather's not looking so good. It's Thursday, it could be a snow day tomorrow. Oh, it's a PD day, and then you're like, oh, I don't know if I wanna like what do I want? What do you want? And it's just it's a crapshoot every time. Yeah, that's a wasted wish, and not just for me, for millions and millions of Canadians.

SPEAKER_00 25:38

Yeah, and yet I object to the term crapshoot because I've shot craps. Oh, okay. And it's it's really fun. This sounds like okay, this sounds like gambling that's not fun. This is gambling is exhilarating. Um, that's the risk. If you if you missed last year's symposium, teacher symposium on risk.

SPEAKER_02 25:54

Yeah, I I did. I did. I wasn't there. I haven't been in, haven't been in the game since 22. So, you know.

SPEAKER_00 26:03

In the game. What's the toughest way you could talk about teaching? Like, what's the most like pretentious in the form of like making it sound dangerous and edgy?

SPEAKER_02 26:12

It's hard to be it's hard to be on the front lines in the trenches all the time. We get that analogy a lot. We get the we get the war analogies all the time. In the trenches, on the front lines.

SPEAKER_00 26:22

I love that. Who's the enemy? Like in that analogy, who are you aiming your guns at?

SPEAKER_02 26:27

Well, okay, so I think there's two things. In the trenches, the war that's going on around you is uh this it could be the school itself, like the the people in the school, it could be the system. Okay, generally, when you say you're on the front lines, like the people who are behind you are the people in air-conditioned offices wearing suits. Oh, yeah. That have yeah, the admin.

SPEAKER_00 26:48

Have you ever noticed that you never hear soldiers use a school analogy?

SPEAKER_01 26:53

Where they're just like, I've never thought of it.

SPEAKER_00 26:57

I was deployed into the classroom, yeah, and that day's lesson was peace enforcement. You know, there we were. There we were pointing our pointing our when's what's that thing, the the baton the teachers use. Do they use this that like here I was pointing my baton? Pointing a yardstick. My yardstick, yeah, absolutely. Yeah, you know, just batting questions out of the air.

SPEAKER_02 27:19

Yeah. You know, something I love about being in the military is the the classroom management that I that I that I get to implement every day with the enemy, you know.

SPEAKER_00 27:32

Yeah, yeah. We blew up about we blew up about four bricks of lesson plans. We managed to smoke illiteracy out of its hiding place. Oh, yeah. Yeah, with with minimum casualties.

SPEAKER_02 27:44

Yep.

SPEAKER_00 27:44

Uh yeah.

SPEAKER_02 27:45

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 27:46

Yeah. Our past fail rate median was pretty great.

SPEAKER_02 27:49

This one assessment we did, everyone was bleeding out. We had we didn't have enough men on the ground to put tourniquets on everyone. It's triage.

SPEAKER_00 27:56

I'm just there going, this one's dead. This one we can save. This one we can help. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 28:02

You know what's really funny is that I bet like everything you just said, I'm like, yeah, that's imagery people would use as teachers. Like it's triage. Everyone's bleeding out, someone's dead, someone can be helped. Like these are all, yeah, that that's about right. But you're right. No one in the in the actual trenches is being like, hey, you know what this is like? This is kind of like a school that's separated by those, those, you know, walls that kind of come out from the main wall, and we get to divide this gymnatorium into three different learning stores.

SPEAKER_00 28:37

They're like, I just, you know, I just waiting for the sound of the bell here in Fallujah.

SPEAKER_01 28:42

Uh what is this over? Is it recess? Is it recess yet?

SPEAKER_00 28:49

Yeah. So we really gotta get some, we really gotta get some military people to hear to know what analogies they they use. I'll say it's funny because not to not to compete here, but you're right. Teachers have a uh knack for the dramatic, I think, in these instances, and there is a little bit of self-seriousness about the being in the trenches. Interestingly, therapists whose job is actually, I think, far, far easier than teachers, but who I think have a much closer relationship with actual life and death stuff. Like, I think that life and death issues happen a lot more for therapists than they happen for teachers. Although I don't want to oversell that it happens all the time because it certainly doesn't for me. But but like therapists don't do that, like, or at least the ones I know, don't do the like the the heavy ER triage or the like the battle thing. What they do is they they make it sound like saccharin, like it's like okay, give me an example. Just um, so I you know, so I'm going inside myself, examining my counter transference, you know, just trying to help this person lead lead their most authentic life. And it's all true, like there's a kernel of truth to it. The same way that I think teachers are actually in high stress situations with a lot of things to manage, but like, yeah, but it's also like okay.

SPEAKER_02 30:01

Okay, so here's a question. Is it okay then? Like, because you're right, everything you just said is true from what I know about therapists, like like, but it just sounds like you're stringing a bunch of therapy words together, right? Same thing.

SPEAKER_04 30:12

I think therapists do shit like that.

SPEAKER_02 30:14

Sure, teachers do too. Like, we totally do. But if I said that about you, would it be more accepted? Or if you said that about teachers, like if you said the things teachers say. So if a non-teacher says it to or about a teacher, does it make it more acceptable or palatable?

SPEAKER_00 30:31

I think that we say that stuff to teachers because we're trying to flatter them, because I think lay people can't imagine. This is my projection. I think lay people can't imagine how or why teachers do that job. And so, on some level, I think that the bad parts of teaching are very visible to people. And I say this, my mom was a teacher, my sister taught for a little while, like uh my wife is an instructor, like I know people who teach, and the the shitty parts of it are so obvious. Do you know what I mean? And I also say this as a person who hated school, that like it does sound a little bit like a war zone to me, but I I don't sit there and go, you must be afraid to go to work every day. It's more just like, yeah, you must feel like you're up against it all the time. And I don't know why you did that. And I used to be really one of in my less less wise days, I used to be really shitty to my friends who taught because I would tell them that it kills dreams and stuff like that, which I don't think is totally wrong. But I don't think it's totally right either. But you forget the stuff that you don't get to see or the stuff that wouldn't motivate me, like when when you know, teachers have these wonderful teachable moments and a kid says, You made a difference in my life, or you see the kid that I'm I'm assuming you see the kid that couldn't fucking hold a guitar at the beginning of the year, and then at the end of the thing, they're picking up um, you know, whatever the song is that you've been working on them, Hotel California or some shit.

SPEAKER_02 31:39

Hot crossbuns.

SPEAKER_00 31:40

Hot crossbuns. Hopefully they're in hot crossbuns before May, but if they're not, hey, that's why there's 13 grades, right? And uh and so I think that like I think if I'm doing that with teachers on some level, it's like, yeah, that sounds really hard and it sounds really unpalatable, and I don't know how you do it. It doesn't sound dangerous, it just sounds shitty.

SPEAKER_02 32:01

Yeah, you know, there's wow, because you're right, you have a lot of touch points with teachers for sure. You do you really and different situations too, right? Like I know your mom taught young kids, like little like elementary kids, right? Yeah, was it at a private school too?

SPEAKER_00 32:15

Uh half and half. She did private school at the beginning and at the end of her career, and then in the middle of it, she did public school.

SPEAKER_02 32:20

Right. And then your wife teaches post-secondary, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 32:24

College, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 32:24

College. And I wonder, like, I used to think, you know, when I would tell people I teach teenagers, that's when I get the oh my gosh, like oh, and I'm like, teenagers are the best. Like that is my favorite age group, hands down.

SPEAKER_00 32:38

How could it not be? You never have to fucking hold a Kleenex up to a teenager's.

SPEAKER_02 32:42

You're not wiping anyone's nose, you're not wiping anyone's face, you're not wiping bums, right? You're not doing hold on.

SPEAKER_00 32:48

At what age do you wipe bums? By the way, we don't say that in the United States. I've I've let it go for a long time, but what don't you say in the United States? Bums.

SPEAKER_02 32:56

What do you say?

SPEAKER_00 32:56

Canadians are obsessed with the letter U. Do you say buttocks? No, we don't say buttocks.

SPEAKER_02 33:04

So you say you say butts.

SPEAKER_00 33:05

Anal geography.

SPEAKER_02 33:07

Okay. I mean, fair. We you have whatever PD themes you want to have, all right?

SPEAKER_00 33:15

But bums, I don't get. I also don't get we're really off topic here. I don't get mums either. We don't say that here either. Yeah. What do you say, mom? Mom, yeah. Yeah, I say mom. Yeah, but you say mum a lot.

SPEAKER_02 33:26

That's my mom.

SPEAKER_00 33:26

I'm sorry to call you out on this.

SPEAKER_02 33:28

But in my head, I'm saying my in my head, I'm seeing it as M O M. Oh, wow. See, this is why we have to do a pronunciation episode.

SPEAKER_00 33:36

We have to do a pronunciation episode. We have to do it. People can understand us better.

SPEAKER_02 33:40

Well, and like there's a great possibility that by the time this episode airs, someone has been listening to this every episode and only understanding you this whole time. And it's like they're like, Why are there no subtitles? Why are there no subtitles? And why is Nick talking to someone who is the female equivalent of the Swedish chef? Like this is and vice versa.

SPEAKER_00 34:01

You know, I remember Matt Allen saying that I was uh what was the word he used? Inside incomprehensible. Oh well, both. He said both of those things.

SPEAKER_02 34:08

Um really like a translator has been needed. So maybe, maybe by maybe, you know, if you could email us at reversejackass at gmail.com and tell us if which one of the two of us needs an interpreter.

SPEAKER_00 34:19

I have a special challenge, actually, and I feel more comfortable making this kind of challenge since now I know Evelyn's um ruining the continuity and posting episodes out of order. I'd love to challenge our Canadian listenership to record audio of you doing an American accent.

SPEAKER_02 34:34

Oh my gosh, please do it. You know what I'm saying?

SPEAKER_00 34:36

And if you're willing to do it and it's funny, then we'll play it on here. But you can send it to reverse check us at gmail.com. What are you gonna do?

SPEAKER_02 34:43

I'm just trying to think of how I want how what how do we make this easy for people to get this to us? Like, do I email okay? But do you take a voice memo and then email it to someone?

SPEAKER_00 34:53

I don't know. That's what I've if it's if it was important enough to me to humiliate me by doing an American accent on this podcast, then I would find a way to do it. I'd use garage ban for No, no one's doing that.

SPEAKER_02 35:02

No one's gonna do that. Like, because there's a voice memo on app on your phone.

SPEAKER_00 35:05

Oh, you just the look you gave me. You're like, how would people do that? I'm like, here's how you're like, no, no, no, no. You use the voice app on your phone. Okay, so use the voice app on your phone. I'm not fighting you on this episode. Or text it to either.

SPEAKER_02 35:17

If you know one of us, text it to it. If you don't know us, email it to us.

SPEAKER_00 35:21

And I really want to hear from those people that don't know us because honestly, the people I know, I already know what you're gonna say, and it's less funny than you think it is.

SPEAKER_02 35:27

Okay, so I'd love to hear from some of those Canadians, but I also would love to hear from Americans what Canadians sound like because a lot of the conversations Nick and I have had both on and off our calls this week involve him really blowing wide open the vowels that come out of my mouth.

SPEAKER_00 35:45

When I failed 13th grade, it was a real slap in the bum from my mom. And then somebody told me Bob was my uncle. I don't like horrifying.

SPEAKER_02 35:53

Yeah, it's weird because we have that same person over here, but you would know him as Bob. So the Dukes are out. Like, this is this is it just took us about 45 episodes to really get in nitty-gritty.

SPEAKER_00 36:09

To really draw this kind of ire out of each other.

SPEAKER_02 36:10

We do want to hear from you. We do want to hear from you, and no one's taking offense to anything. Choose any sentence you want to say. Yeah, um, choose any sentence, just whatever comes out of your mouth, and email us from the voice app on your phone or garage band, if that's your go-to, and uh lay it on us.

SPEAKER_00 36:27

And lay it on us. Thank you in advance for that. Evelyn, thank you for your kind, earnest, if misvoweled answer to my question about a which wish you had wasted. Thank you to the audience for being here and listening to us. I know that we're not as likable as some of the other podcasts uh that you listen to.

SPEAKER_02 36:47

Um you can also email us and tell us who's more likable than we are.

SPEAKER_00 36:51

Oh my god. Do please, God please let this be the spoonful of truth that guides Evelyn towards change. Whoa. Please, you all have you have the possibility to enact real change by telling Evelyn the truth. But in the meantime, I'm signing off for the Rose Jackass podcast. I'm Nick with me. As always, is Evelyn the Canadian Blade. Thank you for being here, and we'll see you next time.

SPEAKER_02 37:13

Some neighbors are besties.

SPEAKER_00 37:16

Others quarrel bitterly. Stuck together through geography. One of us has nukes, and the other has tokes.

SPEAKER_02 37:25

It's American Canadian diplomacy. It's revised.